Why What

I haven't written in a very long time. For many reasons... I still can't figure out what the real purpose of that blog (share, teach, complain, all of it?), I didn't have Internet for a while, I think I was happy for a time (I don't write so much when I am).

I'm thinking about boyfriends. I had few. It always ended the same way. I loved them still but they anoyed me at last. The thing is I'm really a hard piece of work. I get bored easily... but it no one's fault, just mine.
Sometimes, like tonight, I'd like to stop looking backward. I know that if I left them it means that it was the right decision back then. I should stop wondering what my life could have been if we were still together.

I am like the poppy flower. I grow where I'm not expected and as soon as I'm pick I wither. I'm more enjoyable for everyone when I'm not anyone's. But here is the trouble. I must admit it sure is pleasant to be someone's sometimes. To hear, to fell, that we are loved.

Life is funny isn't? We can know about our limit, our character but still can't help ourself to react in the wrong way. I would never understand that.

I'm about to leave everything behind again and I can't stop myself. It's a deep strenght inside that pushes me. I left ones for UK. I left a second time for IE. I left a third time for FR. I will leave a forth time for Finland...

When should I be finally happy and satisfied?

Stormy days of mine

Is it because of the storm? It seems to have electricity in the air. I can't stand anyone particularly the ones getting closer to me. Is this what we call fear? Fear of what? To be loved, to be well treated, to give my confidence, to be given confidence, to be betrayed, to.... People, please, leave me alone I want to be surrounded. It doesn't make sense I know.

It's been a week since I've felt outside the present past. I need to reconnect with myself. I need to pretend I don't know anyone for a while. You'll see when I come back I would be fun. But for a while, I need people to forgive my number. Is that fair? I mean, we all have our moments. That's one of mine and I'll like people to respect it if they love me, anyway.


c.f Wikipedia
La nostalgie est un sentiment de regret des temps passés ou de lieux disparus ou devenus lointains, auxquels on associe a posteriori des sensations agréables. Ce manque est souvent provoqué par la perte ou le rappel d'un de ces éléments passés.

As to be clear

You said you speak a better English than I do. Maybe. 

But I do speak English for different reasons and in different situations than you. English is my second ''emotional living'' language : I slept in English, I ate in English, I cried in English, I found in love in English, I made love in English, I worked in English and much more...

I lived two years in the Anglo-Saxon islands so I can say it's quite an important part of my life.

I'm not pretending to speak better than anybody. While I learnt this language I was crowing up and deciding what adult I wanted to become. I am emotionally attached to the fact that I can express everything or nearly in English and I hardly accept the criticism about my way of speaking. I don't understand this competition that could exist between my English and yours. They don't serve the same purpose so forget about me. 

You'll be a doll. 

 Hasting, UK - July 2012

Were you born that way?

This morning I look at you and I'm thinking it's good that you are different, that you are fighting for what you beleive. I like that.
But today in this world we live in, wouldn't you choke and finally get in line like everyone else?
I have no trust in the world to finally accept people who wanna change it in better. Mass people are crap and ready to eat whatever they are offered. It gets me desperate and so it gets you.

Les gens sont des cons.
"C'est comme ça, c'est pas autrement". Bien-sur. Pourquoi ferais-je des efforts pour changer le monde qui m'entoure, le modeler pour qu'il devienne un peu moins injuste ? Pourquoi changerais-je ma vie ? Aujourd'hui je suis bien, casanière, dépensière, addict, égoïste avec mon téléphone high-tech, mon Facebook, mes plats préparés, mes émissions préférées qui me lave le cerveau... et la société me fait croire que je ne manque de rien à coup de jingles merdico-propagantistes sur TF1. Au pire, j'ai toujours une carte bleu.
La société me laisse tranquille si je fais ce qu'elle me dicte (esclave consentant !). Alors pourquoi réfléchir ? Faut pas trop m'en demander, moi je suis le troupeau, c'est déjà bien fatiguant d'accepter d'être pris pour un con 24/24 h, j'ai pas le temps pour autre chose.

Comprenez que, ce n'est dans l'intérêt de personne que vous développiez votre œil critique, que vous puissiez avoir des réflexions en plaçant, non pas vous-même mais, l'intérêt commun au centre de votre pensée.
Par contre, c'est l'intérêt des "plus grands" que vous ne pensiez qu'à votre gueule et vous enfermiez dans votre bulle égocentrico-nombriliste sans plus un pet d'envie d'aller voir ce qui se trame ailleurs. Cela fait de vous un public facile. Un public qui descendra pas dans la rue, qui alignera les € et qui déléguera ce qui devrait l'alarmer, à d'autres qui en feront un profit. C'est bien.
"Mais, tout le monde fait pareil pourquoi je ferais différemment ?" c'est vrai ça. "Diviser pour mieux régner" ça n'est que la pointe de l'iceberg, après tout.

Moi les légumes, ça m'énerve.

  Pour bien s'intégrer au monde faut : bouffer d'la merde, dire d'la merde, agir comme une merde. C'est beau.

Wherever it was...

Wherever it was I was over it.
One day you came to me with "love" and I had no choice that try and take it. But you ran away before I catched you up. Now I'm left without nothing... I hate you and since then everything just feels fucking colourless.

Fucking day, I'm fucking upset.

January is where I stand

January is my month. It's the real beginning of my new life here in Orléans.
Yes, I'm gonna live in a tiny-tiny place. But, it'll be mine (at least I don't think the landlord would kick me out of a 15 m2 flat if I take care of it). I even will have my name on the mail box.
Yes, I'm a bit "famous". You didn't know? Oh well, nothing big. I just shoot a picture for a local girly magazine.
Yes, I'm settling down. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I try to get responsible.

It's not bad is it?
"It was about time."
What do you mean? ;)

Janvier c'est moi. Janvier c'est mon mois. C'est le VRAI départ de ma nouvelle vie à Orléans.
Oui, je vais vivre dans "une boite à chaussure" mais au moins cet appartement sera le mien. Je ne pense pas que le propriétaire va me virer d'un 15 m2 si je paie mon loyer et me comporte correctement. Il y aura même mon nom sur la boîte aux lettres et ça c'est extatique.
Oui, je suis un peu "célèbre". Comment vous ne saviez pas ? Et bien j'ai fais des photos dans le magazine de mode local d'Orléans. Pas grand chose, mais je suis contente.
Oui, je me pose. Oui, j'ai des ami(e)s. Oui, j'essaie de devenir responsable.

C'est bien, non ?
"C'est pas trop tôt."
Comment ça ? ;)

Skinny Love

"And I told you [...]"

It's not you, it's me (but I lie...)

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)



I know it's only a song, but it's driving me crazy...


You were so coward to face the fact that it couldn't work so you made her say that it couldn't work. Then you were relieved weren't you? Not doing the bad work? Glad it was over? Still looking like a prince charming who have been badly hurt by the naughty witch, don't you? Poor you, isn't it?

She isn't talking to you any-more, poor you isn't it? It didn't ever accurate to you that you've hurt her? It is harder for girls to face that a relationship can't simply work.

Girls are taking it personally that is the real tragedy... They are seeing themselves badly, they are feeling guilty.

Since we're little our head is full of fairy tale, prince charming, pumpkins and guess what?, every-time we fucked up a relationship this dream of "becoming the happy princess" fall apart and that a little death for us. Men never die...

So here is the truth of why you haven't any news from her. Of course she is acting like nothing happened because that will be admitting that she had fail! Just imagine yourself after losing a football match, times it by 1000 and that will do...

After a relation-ship a girl have to reborn brand new. Men don't, only because their feeling are in a closed box. If she would ever want to discuss her past about you, that would be when she will be healed.

Nice rhythm though.

Scrumble eggs

This does not have anything to do with love.
Only, I will never get over the fact that I have lost you forever.

Oh! I shouldn't...

God my English is horrible...
Since I'm not with M anymore it seems that I haven't practice that much.
Jersey is fantastic and the weather is similar to Ireland. But I can't get M out of my head. What's wrong with me? I think I've made a mistake...

Heading to Southport now... See you!

Katie Melua - Red Balloons

I put my eyes in a red balloon
To watch you with the light of the moon,
But seeing you holding hands
With another girl and making plans
Well I just had to set you free
And finally see, that

The sky is full of red balloons
Red balloons are full of broken hearts
Broken hearts are floating by a chance
Will they burst or drift
Into arms

Life goes on... always.

I know that. But sometimes I so want to hold it back.

"Je veux continuer à souffrir car je veux continuer à l'aimer." (quote from the film La Reine des Quiches).

L'Irlande est vraiment un pays de Rédemption.

C'est là que tu payes pour tes erreurs. C'est ici que tu (re)commences à vivre, (re)pars sur de nouvelles bases. L'Irlande c'est faire le deuil d'une douleur passée et aller de l'avant.

I start to believe in the Univers, that's not bad is it?

Let's go partying...

"- I love you!

- Dude, the last one who said that, didn't last long.

- OK honey, I'll take it slow... (kiss on the hand)"

I guess I try to forgive you.

Alright? Sure: dmc (deep meaning conversation), tea and cute guy, what else?

Struggled

Should we never give up on the people we love?

Es-tu aveugle que tu ne me vois point ?

Please, save me from my own demons... I'm falling down without you.
[...]

How to reborn

" - Where did you learn English ?
- On a pillow. "


...


Thanks everyone for this week, it was fun!

I'm the bad cop

Let face it, I'm clinically mad.
I've done something I'm not proud of. Something bad that can destroy a person completely. So I do confess... I had fallen in love.

Now that this relationship is over, I'm loosing myself along the way. I had started to get better recently and everything has to be redo since I've seen him again last weekend.
I only wish it would have work, yes really. Boyfriends that I had before were nothing but he was my lover. I don't know if he has ever understood that he was my number one (after myself, course). Was I too impatient? Sure, point taken.

It's a bit like when I try a piece of cloth. If it suits me, if it's what I need then I don't hesitate I just take it and love it. So I had chosen him, but I was for him a very cheap piece of cloth form Primark, the kind that you keep a year and throw in a bin. I suppose it's a very offended comparison people aren't clothes, it was only to make it easy to explain.
That's probably one of my biggest negativities. When I love someone, I really do love this person. I don't lie, I don't play, I just love. It just hurts so much when you realise that you spend a year and a half with someone who doesn't consider love like you do, when you have wasted so much time, and let yourself being injured so deeply. I so hate you.

He's happy, he said it. I wish he could be crying his mum 24/7 that would perhaps make me feel better because that's what I'm up to. My head is going funny... I can't understand... I want him back.. I want to kill him... Delete, delete all these numerical memories... I would give up everything for him... You can't he's an arsehole...

I don't want to fall in love never again. Every time I'm blowing it up, anyway. And I hate men. They said they love you but it doesn't mean what you think it means. First, if you're lucky, your man will love you better than football but it's not certain. Then, men know perfectly that these little words will make you: cook for them, sort out, clean and iron their clothes for them... and they are damn right.

[...]

Dumbledore's dead

Je relis tout les Harry Potter mais en Anglais cette fois-ci.
Je viens de finir le 6 ce matin. Dumbledore est mort, ahhahah c'est trop triste !

J'ai l'impression qu'en le lisant en Anglais j'ai saisi un sens différent.
Lorsque Dumbledore meurt, Harry conclus que tout ceux qui ont voulu le protéger - sa mère, son père, son parrain et finalement Dumbledore, ont cassé leur pipe. Il sait que maintenant il doit se protéger seul. Il est seul face à tous sans bien savoir que faire. D'abord il se dit qu'il est impossible et difficile pour lui de continuer la tâche incombé (tuer Voldemort) et finalement il prend conscience qu'il ne peut pas renoncer.

C'est un peu ce que l'on ressent lorsque l'on grandit, non ?
Sans nécessité que tout le monde meurt physiquement autour de soit, les relations établies avec les proches sont bousculés, s'effacent, meurent un peu ? Je m'explique. Nous ne sommes plus protégés comme nous l'étions enfant, nous devons faire des choix d'adultes, nous avançons nus, nous sommes seuls pour nous protéger... Parfois, on voudrait renoncer, stopper le temps, ne pas grandir mais quelque part on ne peut pas. D'abord, c'est impossible, ensuite l'être humain est trop curieux pour se satisfaire d'une seule perspective (j'y crois et l'espère). Notre carapace se forge au prix de grandes difficultés lorsque nous nous confrontons a plus grand, plus fort et plus ingénieux que soit. C'est là où les amitiés fortes se forgent et où elles sont les plus sollicités - très bien écrit dans le livre.

Oui, moi j'ai vu le lien. Je me suis un peu retrouvée dans la citation "seul sans personne". Car bien que nous soyons entouré par de la famille ou des amis, nous sommes et serons toujours seul.
C'est là, à mon goût, tout le drame et la beauté de la vie.
Personne ne peut vivre pour nous.
Personne ne peut mourir pour nous.
Seul avec d'autres tout aussi seul que nous.

I'm re-reading Harry Potter but in English this time.
I finished the 6th this morning. Dumbledore's dead, ahhhahah that's so sad!

I've the feeling that I'm getting more sense with the English version.
When Dumbledore die, Harry conclude that everyone who wanted to protect him - his mother, his father, his god-father and Dumbledore, they kicked the bucket. Now he's alone against all without really knowing what to do. First he thought that it would be impossible and difficult for him to honour his task (kill Voldemort) then he finally realise that he can't give up.

Isn't it what we feel like when we grow up?
There isn't the necessity for everyone around us to die, but our relationship with family are a bit shoved, faded, die a bit? I'll try to explain. We are not as protected as we used to be when we were a child, we have got to make our grown-up choice, we are walking disarmed... Sometimes we would like to give up, to stop the time, not to grow up but somehow we can't. First it's impossible, then human race is much too curious to get satisfied in a plain life (I hope and believe so). Our armour get stronger when it face difficulties, when we're "fighting" the unknown. That's where great friendship born and where we need them most - it's well describe in the book.

Yes, I did see the link. I found myself a bit in the sentence "alone without nobody". Even though we are surround by our friends and family, we are and will always be, alone.
It's, in my opinion the very tragedy and beauty of the life.
Nobody can live for us.
Nobody can die for us.
Alone with others who are alone like us.

Appelez le Marbré

Ce week-end j'ai fait un petit goûter avec Carla.
Pour l'occasion nous nous sommes remémorés les tubes des années 90 et j'avais cuisiné un marbré ! It was marvellous!, comme on dirait en Anglais.

This weekend I had an afternoon tea with my friend Carla.
For the occasion we get reminded by You Tube of all our favourites songs from the 90s' and I had bake a marble cake! Délicieux !, as we would say in French.



Pour faire un gâteau comme ça, il vous faut :
To do a cake like that you'd need:

* 125g beurre / butter
* 150g sucre / sugar
* 3 œufs / eggs
* 200g farine / flour
* 6 c.s lait / t.s milk
* 1/2 sachet de levure / 2 t.s baking powder
* essence de vanille / vanilla essence
* 50g chocolat en poudre / chocolate powder

1 - Travailler le beurre mou et le sucre.
Mix soft butter and sugar together.

2 - Ajouter le jaune des oeufs + lait + farine + levure
Add the eggs yolk + milk + flour + baking powder

3 - Séparer la pâte dans deux bols. Aromatisez le premier avec l'essence de vanille, le second avec le chocolat.
Separate the mix in two bowls. Flavour the first with the vanilla essence, the second one with the chocolate.

4 - Ajouter les blancs battus en neige dans les deux préparations.
Add the beaten egg white to both preparation.

5 - Verser les deux préparations dans un moule à cake.
Pour both preparation alternatively into a cake pan.

6 - Cuire 40 mn à 180°C.
Cook for 40 min at 180°C.


Pour une bonne après-midi : invitez une super copine et écouter Whigfield (sans oublier la choré) !
To spend a great afternoon : invite a good friend and listen to Whigfield (don't forget to dance)!

A day under "ilargia"

Today it's the 31st...
And I'm thinking "ilargia"
[...]

INVENTAIRE 2011

La fin de l'année.
Cette fois la Saint Sylvestre ne sera pas synonyme de fête. J'ai décidé de travailler : j'ai trouvé une mission de baby-sitting. Si je ne finis pas trop tard alors j'irais au pub pour un petit verre de 1er Janvier.

La fin de l'année.
C'est aussi le temps des bilans.

1/ J'ai commencé l'année en Angleterre et j'ai adoré !
2/ Je me suis finalement envolée pour l'Irlande en mi-Mai (jusqu'en Novembre) et ai passé les meilleurs six mois de ma vie !
3/ Une année sous le thème de la langue Anglaise donc et de la découverte de cultures différentes, bien qu'Européenne. De belles amitiés ont vu le jour, un amour s'en est allé, de nombreuses questions se sont posées, quelques orages dans le Sud.
4/ En général, je suis contente de mon année. Et ça c'est une Justine positive qu'il faut applaudir (car ce n'est pas souvent, einh !).

5/ N'oublions pas la sélection de mes articles de blog préférés :
- Facebook veut gâcher ma vie
- Ces vieilles histoires qui se répètent
- Orange and Sunshine

6/ Et vous, quel est votre bilan ?

Clara and I at the EasyCork BBQ (69!!)

Rachel and I in Where is Wally World Record
Angela and I for Cork Jazz Festival

This New Year eve won't be time to party for me. I've decided to work: I found some baby-sitting to do. If I don't finish too late, then I'll go to a pub for a little 1st January's drink!

The end of the year must be time for conclusions :
I've started the year in England and I loved it! I finally flew to Ireland in mid-May (and stayed till November) and spent the best six months of my life !

I want to thank you so much the WONDERFUL people that I met in Cork. You lighted up my life you have no idea !

Cristian, Kobe and I at Fitgerald park by a wonderful day

At EasyCork BBQ with my wonderful housemates Lillo and Juan

Murphy's Festival with Rachel

And thanks for : laughs, ice cream, confort, DVD evenings, experiences shared, history classes, Dublin, Spanish lessons, chocolate cake, necklaces, colouring book and finally friendship and trust ! Love you all : )


It has been a year under the English language so, discovering different culture. I've made very good friendship but a lover had gone. I've been asking myself too many questions and sometimes South West of France was "synonym of storm"...
But anyway, I'm quite happy with my year !

What about you ? Let me know : )